Children's Mental Health Standards

Children can adapt to the development rules of their age group, their emotional reactions are in line with the scene, they have a stable sense of security and social connection, and there are no psychological and behavioral abnormalities that last for more than 2 weeks and significantly affect their daily learning and life.

To be honest, I have been doing children's psychological consultation for almost 7 years. Every time I am asked by a parent, "Can you give me an accurate answer, is my child mentally healthy?" I can't directly give you a form to tick the boxes and calculate the score. I had a seminar with child psychologists from maternal and child health care centers and psychology teachers from public elementary schools. The most common complaint was that many parents took the "10 Mental Health Standards for 3-year-old Children" found online and checked them in overnight when they saw that their children did not meet one of the criteria. They completely forgot that the growth rhythms of their children are far different.

If we really talk about the judgment tendencies of different research directions, the difference is actually quite big. Scholars who do research on developmental psychology pay more attention to the matching degree of children's development tasks, such as whether a child can clearly express his or her needs at the age of 4, and whether a child can bear the small setback of not getting the little red flower at the age of 7. Of course, this standard is very flexible. It is normal to be half a year earlier and half a year later. As long as the child is not more than a year behind his peers, there is no need to panic. Researchers engaged in positive psychology are less focused on "whether there are problems" and are more concerned about "whether there are advantages". For example, whether the child has at least one interest that he can concentrate on, whether he will take the initiative to seek help from adults or friends when encountering difficulties, and whether he has friends with whom he can play. These shining points are more valuable than "whether he loses his temper." When it comes to our front-line counselors doing clinical intervention, the most important thing is the simplest "social function" - to put it bluntly, it means being able to go to school, eat, sleep, and interact with others normally. As long as these are all fine, even if there are minor problems, such as biting nails or occasionally getting into fights with classmates, it is not considered mentally unhealthy at all.

There was a little boy in first grade who was dragged over by his mother and said that the teacher reported that he could not sit still, which was completely consistent with the "5 manifestations of attention deficit" on the Internet. The child and I squatted in the playroom for half an hour and played with Lego, and found that he could sit still for 40 minutes with his favorite building blocks. He only twisted around when he felt that the content was too simple in Chinese class. This is not hyperactivity, it is just a normal little boy with excess energy. There are also many parents who have a deep-rooted misunderstanding and believe that "children who are happy every day are mentally healthy." This is really a big mistake. I met a little girl in fourth grade two years ago. She was a "perfect child" in the eyes of her parents. She had good grades, was sensible, and never lost her temper. Even when buying stationery, she only picked the cheapest ones. As a result, the class teacher later discovered that she had scratches on her arms with a utility knife. Xiao Yinzi came for consultation and found out that since she was a child, she would hold back whenever she was unhappy, fearing that her parents would think she was ignorant. Even when her best friend played with someone else last time, she smiled and said it was okay. She went home and hid in the quilt until midnight and cried. You said she usually looks like she is smiling every day. Can this be called healthy? Normal children should have joy, anger, sorrow, and joy. They will cry when they are hurt by a fall, get angry when a toy is robbed, and feel sad when they fail in an exam. These negative emotions are originally manifestations of normal psychological functions. If you suppress all emotions and do not express them, then you really need to be vigilant.

There is another point that has been debated in the industry for a long time: many institutions now regard "strong resistance to frustration" as a rigid standard, requiring children not to have a "glassy heart" and not to cry when they lose a game. I think it's quite ridiculous. You, an adult, have been depressed for half an hour after losing in a game of cards. Why should you ask a 6-year-old child to smile and say "congratulations" to your opponent after losing in a relay race? As long as he is willing to sign up for the competition next time after crying and is willing to try again, doesn't it mean that his ability to resist frustration is fine? If you have to force your children to suppress their emotions, they will end up with problems of emotional isolation, which is not worth the gain.

In fact, these so-called "standards" are never a yardstick used to score children, but more like a warning line to remind you to pay attention. If your child suddenly doesn't want to go to school for two weeks in a row, can't eat, doesn't touch the toys that he normally would not put away, and doesn't want to talk to you about school gossip, then you need to pay more attention. The usual petty quarrels, lies about not wanting to do homework, and tantrums about not eating ice cream are really normal. After all, raising children is not about making standardized products. How can there be a baby that perfectly meets all standards?